So I am getting married, a 2004 introspection

So I am getting married. Wow. I would not have thought this to be happening. And for it to happen with a person whom I really really want to be with for the rest of my life. It is just amazing and so hard to believe. And yet it is true. He wants me and I want him and we are going to do it.

“I have not been married before,” I tell him. And why do I say that? We have been together for a while now, how is that any different from being married? I am doing a good job being with him and being around the house, how is any of that going to change when I have a ring around my finger? I do not suppose it will. But still the prospect of actually being married is so new to me. New and exciting and something I know I want, not because I want to get married but because I want to get married to this particular man.

But how do I really feel about getting married when my parents are halfway around the world and when the only person from my side who can attend is my childhood friend? How do I feel about not getting the attention and not having my day in the sun? How do I feel about not shopping for a dress, about not shopping for a reception outlet and doing all the arrangements? Actually, not that bad about certain things and bad about others. I know that one day I will get my day in the sun and I will be clad is a long white dress with Jeff at my side, but until then I am satisfied with what we can have for now. I am sad, however, that my parents, and particularly my mother, can’t be there. I do not know how hard this is going to hit me, right now it has not really dawned on me. Maybe I am suppressing the feelings or maybe I am being realistic. Either way I hope I do not break down in tears on my wedding day.

So when is the big day? We do not know yet, we are still working on arranging the day. I want it to be on the 4th of July, that way I would feel special with the fireworks going off in the distance. I would be able to make believe that they are for me, they would have been if I was in Lebanon, but that is part of another life. Right now I am here, in the US, with the love of my life and we are about to make yet another step into our successful future together.

We have come a long way from a year ago and we are still proceeding in our journey. It is not going to be easy and I see every dip in the road as a chance to learn and an opportunity to grow. And I have grown a lot in the past eight months. But there is still a lot of growing up for me to do. My sister says that I have not changed, but what does she know? She does not live with me and has not seen me in a long, long time. I look at myself in the mirror and marvel at what a different person I now am. I think I am more self-disciplined, more patient, less demanding and less spoiled. I still need attention but at least I do not stomp my feet that often anymore nor ask the world to stop cause I am feeling down. I have realized that there are other things in this life than me and that I do not make the world go round. I might make the world of one person go round but there is no reason for me to ask him to stop in his place because I am sad and be at my every beckon when I need something to be done. I have learned lessons of patience and I am sure they will serve me well.

I do wish my parents were here. They would have been proud of me.

Future Mrs. Mike